Saying "No" Does NOT Mean "Low Desire"
Copied from Dr. Marty Klein’s 5 minute video quickie
"One of the most common problems people come to see me about? "I have low desire." "He has low desire." "She has low desire."
In response, I ask lots of questions. We talk. And at least half the time, I surprise people, by saying "I don't think this is a desire issue."
Saying no to something when you don't expect to enjoy it isn't a "problem," it's common sense. So when new patients talk about "low desire," I ask—desire for what? Because if people are offered sex they don't think they'll enjoy, most of them will say no.
They don’t want sex because
they expect sex to be boring, rushed, painful, impersonal, scary, and/or just plain annoying
[Or they’re angry with you, unresolved childhood SA, religious shaming, not feeling well or sick, don’t feel attractive, you’re bad in bed, you don’t care about her pleasure. Be curious and find out why. ~ RH]
Ways they say no
use the word “no”, make excuses (headache, fatigue, work, cramps, a lack of privacy), pick a fight
[Or they go to bed and pretend to be asleep ~ RH]
What people must have to FEEL desire
Context matters. To feel desire, some people need to feel loved, special, seduced, pursued, desired, dominated, taken, attractive, admired, emotionally connected, admired for their character and not just chemistry
The higher desire partner is tuned out of the lower desire partner’s feelings
Many people with less desire are often partnered with someone who doesn’t know, doesn’t care, or hasn’t learned how to create the feelings that allow their partner to feel desire.
[I call this type of partner a Neanderthal in bed, emotionally disconnected, a dud or a brute. I would not want sex with someone like that either! ~ RH]
Most people only want sex that
has no contraceptive risk, is playful and gentle, not narrowly focused on intercourse or supergenital function, a partner who doesn’t demand an orgasm every time, that goes slowly, feels personal, conveys “I’m really really glad to be here with you”. Millions of people want one or more of these experiences during sex and they instinctively resist sex that doesn’t address these emotional desires.
What does NOT work
People mistakenly the solution to the desire impasse is tantra, a 3some, watching porn together, a new toy, a different position or technique. The solution doesn’t start with “what should we DO in bed”, but rather with “how do you want to FEEL in bed?”
[I’ll add finding a pill or potion, alcohol to numb out, going through the motions as a favor or out of guilt ~ RH]
Making it worse: your demand and "need for sex”
Some people are sick of hearing their partner needs a certain amount of sex every week. Nobody needs a certain amount of sex, and a partner’s need for sex doesn’t give him a right. [On a related note, I’ve heard therapists talk about finding the underlying need, which could be a need to feel loved or seen and sex could be the only place where many men feel free to be vulnerable and express any feelings of love, while I think other men use sex to control and manipulate ~ RH].
What DOES work
If your partner wants sex less than you do, be CURIOUS about how they think about sex, and what they like and don’t like, and what might make them more interested. If your partner wants more sex than you do, share this intimate information with them. Each partner should be honest with themselves about what you want different, and discuss it as partners and not adversaries.
People have varying intrinsic desires for sex. Often a low desire partner gets together with a higher desire partner. They struggle for years to find a sexual consensus.
[In early dating ask your partner how often he/she masturbates, how often this person wanted sex in previous relationships, and what they want to experience and feel during sex, what sex means to them, etc because else you’ll be misled by the higher sexual interest in the new relationship energy phase of the relationship ~ RH]